Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Surviving My First Blogger's Event

Last week I had the distinct pleasure of being invited to attend a bloggers event at Halls Crown Center. I say distinct not in a sarcastic, snarky way, but because I think people consider me a “blogger” in the same way people consider William Hung a “musician.” To be validated by adults with real jobs was a real boost to my self-esteem, which has been tanking just as fast as my bank account lately. I had no idea what I was in for, so I grabbed my friend Bizi who was also invited, grabbed dinner, then strapped myself in. Here, for the first time ever, is an account of that night:

6:17 pm - the event started at 6. I only had one beer at dinner, but I think that’s enough to fake-drunk my way into (or is it out of?) being late. I am late 99% of the time, which ironically makes me better at being late because I’m getting good at coming up with excuses to explain my tardiness.

6:20 - walk in to a room with nearly 30 women seated, listening to another woman speak in front of them. I am now behind that woman. Awkward. I fumble my way to the back of the group, now realizing that I’m also the only guy here. Did my chances of getting laid tonight just sky-rocket, or will they think I’m gay? Time will tell. 

6:21 - just realized I missed any chance of snagging free alcohol before we get going. 

6:40 - we’re now off on a tour of the premises, firstly through women’s departments. I stand at the back, appearing cool and aloof, but really looking to peel off into a bathroom. That beer came back to bite me in the ass. 

6:50 - Ah, menswear! I now stand at the front, appearing cool and aloof. Nodding in silent approval, I gaze around and proceed to touch EVERYTHING. This is what bloggers do, right? I make Bizi take pictures for me because she has an iPhone and I still use payphones. Someone asks if we’re dating, but I reply that she’s my intern. YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE AN INTERN, DO YOU LADY? I definitely just impressed the shit out of everyone within earshot. Luckily, Bizi didn’t hear.

7:00 - another menswear department, this one more formal. Here they’re highlighting a tweed sport coat, commenting on how older trends like herringbone tweed are being revitalized by designers. Someone points out that I’m wearing a tweed jacket. I casually mention how I thrifted it in Dublin. Easily just became the coolest, most cultural person in the room. Either that or everyone thinks I’m an asshole. Where’s the wine again?

7:10 - I bounce back upstairs with the rest of the ladies, because you know I can’t pass up on odds like that. While they go over some more women’s stuff, I hit the wine bar for some liquid courage. Downed the first glass like it was a shot of Rumplemitz. Round two please!

7:25 - things appear to have settled down, which gives me a chance to mingle. This goes poorly. Back to the bar. Two? Make it three! I’m not driving.

7:30 - Back to the menswear departments to give them a real gander. A cute girl works in one section, but in typical form I do nothing about it. I will kick myself for this for the next week or so. 

In the more formal department, I talked with the salesman, a nice guy who seemed genuinely interested in my tweed jacket, so we chat over that. There was also some really great stuff from Polo Ralph Lauren that caught my eye too: cable knit sweaters, Fair Isle sweaters, quilted jackets, corduroys, wool ties etc. Good fall/winter shit. To make it seem like I have a semblance of real menswear knowledge, I feel the display sport coat and ask the salesman if he knows whether it’s fully canvassed or not. He says it’s unstructured. Shows how much I know.

7:45 - back up top. Grab my swag, grab Bizi, and head out the door. All jokes aside, it was a great event, and I was gracious to be invited to it. In an industry where I consider myself both and outsider and an amateur, it was gratifying to know that somewhere, someone takes me seriously (although I don’t know what that says about that person). Thanks again to Halls for putting it on, for the invite, and of course, for the gear. Next time you bros are downtown on a shopping spree, don’t forget Halls in Crown Center. Unfortunately they don't have much in the way of online shopping for guys, so I can't offer any links to particular pieces. But swing by in peron. If you do, return my wine glass for me.




  1. Ah man, I love your style of writing, your posts are hilarious and still informative. I'd invite you to random events too if I were these people.

  2. To whoever wrote this,

    A sincere thanks. It's always nice to be complimented on your work, whatever it is that you do. I am available to attend and write any and all social functions (birthdays, bar mitvas, a bris. ANYTHING). All I request is a description of appropriate attire and preferably, a (sober) ride home.