Wednesday, November 7, 2012

How the Illuminati Runs Menswear

If you didn’t know, I’m in the Illuminati. That is to say, I’m applying for their much coveted internship. It’s a prestigious position, and a stepping stone to joining an exclusive and illustrious club, akin to being the fluffer for Yale’s Skull and Bones. As (expected to be) Social Media Intern for the Illuminati, I've started a PR campaign to slowly show the world our contributions to society. It's not all government cover-ups and assassinations here people. WE RUN THIS SHIT, end to end. If you're ever feeling truly helpless and alone, and if you feel the world is beyond your control, know that it is. We run the government. We run the press. We run the rap game. We run #menswear. Suck it peasants.


Eminem popped onto the scene with bleached hair, which was remarkable at the time because no male felt appropriate about dying his hair piss-yellow for no legitimate reason. BUT THEN DIDN'T YOU BEG YOUR MOM TO DYE YOUR HAIR BLONDE AFTER SEEING MARSHALL MATHERS? This “youthful” act attracted the “counterculture” of the hip-hop scene, which is to say white kids who weren’t entirely comfortable listening to rap in public. 


Kanye West is an enigma, and in my personal opinion, a closeted szzurp sipper. What else can explain his sartorial decisions? One day it’s well put together, like a #menswear Tumblr picture that’s been reposted 1000 times by guys in Brooklyn who are overly into blogs. On other days, it’s this. Dude raps hella good though, and he was the FIRST to essentially tell Taylor Swift to sit down and shut the fuck up. Ugly girls be cryin’ Taylor. Ugly girls. Remember that.


Oh, you didn’t know Dre was in the Illuminati? How do you think he went from this to this to this. The dude runs the West Coast, donned in all-black and a White Sox hat. And so begins the era of flat-billed hats with teams you have no association with.  Menswear is all about aesthetics.


What a tangled web we weave.
Speaking of all-black-everything, you best believe Jay-Z is in the Illuminati. That is the only logical explanation I can think of for how he is banging Beyonce (that and the money/rap career). All-black is the standard dress code for Illuminati meetings, which Jay SHOULDN’T have talked about, but he foots the bill for our paintball team-building, so I’ll let it slide. He also says he made the Yankee hat famous, but I feel like that was probably Babe Ruth. 


Cypress Hill is not in the Illuminati. 


It’s rumored (by lunatics) that Lil Wayne sold his soul to the devil in return for fame and fortune. I’m not sure if that’s true, but I do know that Weezy F. Baby (don’t forget the F, baby) popularized the over-tattoo-ification that’s strangled menswear streetstyle. The only way to ensure Scott Schuman will snap a pic of your tattoos is if you don’t give him the option. 


Know who came up with the idea that "black is a slimming color"? Take a guess. Chris also popularized newsboy caps, cementing his sartorial legacy.

SNOOP (insert animal)

Snoop Dogg was a member of the Illuminati, but his patented hair braids never caught on in the menswear realm. As a result, he renounced his faith, sold all his possessions, and became Snoop Lion, king of the concrete jungle. His music videos are no longer as cool as they once were. What we giveth, we taketh away.

That's all she wrote,


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